Poems of a Spectrum-Autist - Marcus Holmes

he term Spectrum-Autist is how I describe one who is diagnosed with Autism-Spectrum Disorder.  Since I do not think of Autism as a 'disorder, I prefer 'Spectrum-Autist.'  Being a Spectrum-Autist is to live in the in-between.  In-between a typical person and a profound Autist.  The in-between is a difficult place to be.  People can see me both as normal and as strange.  At first meeting me, there are not obvious signs and people often assume that I am like conventional humans.  The more time they spend in conversation with me, however, that view can rapidly deteriorates, but they do not quite know why.  They often recognize introversion, though I have been told by other introverts that I am 'off the chart' introverted.  For a while, 'painfully introverted' suited me for a label.  It is quite literally painful, to be among a group of people, expected to interact, and also to be alone, unable to be the person that I want to be.  At times I thought that I would slip into deep autism, never to emerge.  Meanwhile, I somehow got through school, college, graduate school, and a doctorate.  I learned other languages as part of my educational requirements.  Autistic people are not supposed to be good at language, right?  It was only later that I discovered, with the help of a brilliant and compassionate psychologist, Doctor James Pallas, that I have (what was then called) Asperger's Syndrome.  'What is that?', I asked.  He first put it in simple terms.  'You are a verbal-autistic.'  A verbal autist.  Who knew?  He took me through the diagnostic criteria, and it explained so much of my life, my behavior, and the way that I express myself.