BROKEN-MENDED - Amanda Redhawk

Broken-Mended is a recount of my childhood through adulthood. NO HOPES, NO DREAMS, NO SELF-CONFIDENCE AND FOR THE MOST PART WISHING FOR THE COURAGE TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE AT TIMES...

I knew I couldn't do that to my mom so I basically "Flat-Lined" through life, doing anything to stay one step ahead of the pain. Wearing a mask of, "No Worries...Everything will be ok." No affection to anyone around me in my family...No hugs, No "I love you" to anyone in or around me...

When a child is abused by the "man" so called "father," that was supposed to love me, wreaks havoc on all levels...LOTS OF SELF- HATRED, LOTS OF PRAYING STARTING AT THE AGE OF TWO OR THREE FOR GOD TO PLEASE TAKE ME HOME...PLEASE...

I just wasn't good enough for anything...

When I was eight-teen, while waterskiing, I hit a log and went down...they took me to the hospital as my knee was a mess...everything was torn up...all muscles, ligaments, tendons and my kneecap was shattered. They wanted to amputate my leg from above the knee, however back then they didn't have prosthetic legs that went above the knee... so I said NO. Just try to come up with something...PLEASE...we can always take it off later, but we can NEVER put it back on!

Broken-Mended started out as just a journal I wrote in the time I spent in bed with a blown-out knee at forty-one years of age...as I had already had sixteen surgeries and after research, I knew I needed a total knee replacement but my orthopedic surgeon of so many years did not want to do it...